this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
