Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
