remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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