Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
