i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
