Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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