mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
