Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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