All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the day after is always just damage control
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
