Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
