here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
