There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
