hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
