I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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