Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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