think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
