After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
