then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
