my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
