party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
