also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
