Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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