I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
