I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
