My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
