I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
