remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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