im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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