I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
