oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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