Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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