I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
