Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
