Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
