Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wanna passion pit in your ass
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
