get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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