Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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