I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
