i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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