Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
