The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
