had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
