Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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