i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
