Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
