so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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