Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
