yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
