I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
