If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
