Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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