He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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