I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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